Junior Zoe Henning has found ways to cope and heal after experiencing depression.

Home is not confined to one place; home is more than four walls and a roof. For me, home is the sprinkle of freckles on my best friend’s face. It is the pain in my stomach after I laugh too hard. It is my sister’s love, the crinkle in my mom’s eye. This love I feel has saved my heart, allowed my soul to breathe. 

A close friend of mine once told me that it makes sense for me to be happy, and I did not believe them. I have spent my entire life convincing myself that sadness is home. I have dealt with the symptoms of depression for far longer than I have been diagnosed with it. Reaching out for help was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I could not recommend it enough. There are many things now that help me that I will be expanding on, as I know there are many people who do not have readily access to talk therapy. If you can seek professional help, do it.  

 Although I feel this newfound joy, I have not always been so open to happiness. I spent many years sick, and I became accustomed to it. I could not see a life outside of sadness, so I did not seek it out. I am not the best spokesperson for being “healed,” for my journey has just begun. From what I have experienced so far, it is not easy. This process of healing is not simple; it is rocky. Every day is different, some days are awful, and others are beautiful. 

One of the predominant things that helped me strive for happiness is theatre, or more so finding something that made my heart soar. Nothing makes me feel more alive than being on stage. When I am on stage, I am not simply me; I am so much more. When I found something that I could be passionate about, it gave me a reason to show up, to simply be. Not only is theatre in the physical form important to me, but so are the people. I love nothing more than putting on a good show and having my people to celebrate with. For theater is more than the lead doing good, it is every individual person onstage and backstage that makes a show so mesmerizing. It is so fulfilling to be a small part of something so beautiful. I have a firm belief that finding something that gives you that drive, that will breathe is beyond important.  

Finding the right people to surround yourself with is an essential part of healing. People who are rooting for your recovery. I spent a lot of time with the wrong people, people who did not want the best for me. I know now what platonic love is. The capacity in which I love my friends is beyond words, simply to feel their love is the greatest gift God could ever give me. I see the purest form of love through my friends. It is so important to find a good group of people. 

My journey with God is only now becoming an important part of healing. I know that for many people even the idea of believing in God is unfathomable and fanciful, I was one of those people for so long. I was angry and I needed something to hate, to blame for all that I had lost. When being angry at myself and my family was not enough, I needed to be angry at something bigger. I disgraced God in any way I could, I needed something to blame for all the shortcomings of my life. One of my beloved friends gave me the opportunity to go to a church camp (a church camp of all places!), and it was there I truly felt God’s everlasting love. As much as I wish everyone could feel the love of God, I know not everyone wants it in their life. I believe that finding something to believe in, to give you will is like watching a storm clear. There will be wreckage and loss, but there will also be hope. It is that hope that helps us scrape by with the skin of our teeth.  

These things have helped me breathe, but they are not a replacement for professional help. Sometimes we reach this point in our lives where nothing works. No amount of God, friends, or passion can pull us out of the water we are drowning in. Do not give up, when the waves are crashing and your arms are heavy, do not give up. There is a world where all that ails you now is but a whisper, that world is achievable. Have grace with yourself, for this is your first time living. For the sake of your heart, live with grace and kindness. Do not be afraid to reach out and reach in. There is no perfect recovery and no perfect path of living. 

Recovery is not linear.