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Stronger than my demons

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Staff writer Autumn Rendall embraces her passion of writing.

Staff writer Autumn Rendall embraces her passion of writing.

Roy Mazzagate

Roy Mazzagate

Staff writer Autumn Rendall embraces her passion of writing.

Autumn Rendall, Writer

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I am a strong believer that it is our roots that create the foundation for one’s character to branch out. Although I’ve had a fair share of bad experiences, during which made me question even my own existence a few times, I wouldn’t have had my life any other way. In order to continue the path to greatness, it is important to be grateful for your broken road.

All of my life I’ve attracted chaos and all things strange to occur in my daily life. All the way up until last year, I felt like I’ve never been completely happy, or belonged anywhere. When I was in the 3rd grade I convinced myself it was scientific, that I had been born with my brain slightly to the left or something and one day it might fall back into place and I could laugh and play with all the other kids. 

When I was born my parents knew how evil a place this world could be, so they decided to take almost every precaution to shield me from it. This was a motion that was meant for good reasons, but in the long run (in the most blunt description)…messed me up. To most questions I asked about life and its mysteries, I was answered with a lie. I was banned from most media, spending time with most kids, and behaving most ways. I began to believe that they best way to get through my life was to stay quiet. Because I never quite understood my peer’s topics of choice, conversations with myself were more enjoyable than the ones I had with other kids my age. My introverted ways gave me not only a lack of friends, but even lack of a “self-aware” feeling until late junior high.

Even though mental disorders can be simply part of your biology, trauma can certainly develop or enhance these problems. This feeling of being lost, unhappy, and constantly worried about what my peers thought about me took a toll on my mental state. In the 8th grade, my doctor told me I was developing an anxiety disorder, along with some tendencies of depression. This news was a shock to me, because I had such little information on what these disorders were.

Depression and anxiety are often described as just a “more significant” version of sadness and worry. I do understand these lines of thinking because there really isn’t a lot of information on mental illness given out in society. Even at their beginning states, these disorders can assume your every waking being. I felt unamused by people and activities I used to love. I had to plan every conversation I had with anyone ahead of time. I could never stop feeling, thinking, and sinking.

With how unaware most people are (especially young students) in regards to mental illness, I had no one to really talk to about these feelings. My friends thought this was just a strange phase I was going through, my parents thought I was searching for attention, and everyone I came into contact with believed that happiness was just a choice. Why would I choose to never feel happy? Why would I choose to distance myself from people? Why would I choose to feel like nothing?

Something that started to have a change on my mindset, however, was my quest for knowledge. I checked out too many books at libraries, asked my teachers every question I could think of, and did just about anything to learn everything. I started educating myself on more serious topics such as politics, psychology, and various ethical issues. Because of these actions, I started discovering how I felt about myself. I learned my opinions on things and how I wanted to change the world. For the very first time, I felt like I had a purpose and truly understood happiness.

With the confidence I had developed, my work ethic grew as well. I have continuously kept up my aptitude for education through the years, and I remain determined to better my environment along with myself.  Through my diligence I have achieved a National Honor Society membership, Homecoming court, a job, becoming the Front Ensemble captain in marching band, and even discovered my love for writing.

Even with the positive direction my life has taken, I still find myself struggling with old habits. My anxiety and depression can hit me in my darkest of times, but through it all I know that pain is temporary, happy times are destined to come again, and what I’m feeling is valid. With how big the world is and the amount of interesting people in it, I still have a plentiful amount of knowledge I have yet to gain. With this zeal for life, I am determined to discover all that I can, and be stronger than my demons. 

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2 Comments

2 Responses to “Stronger than my demons”

  1. Terri C on March 7th, 2017 6:52 pm

    Love you Autumn!❤️

  2. Zoee Rogers on March 7th, 2017 7:49 pm

    Wow, this is honest and inspiring. Thank you for writing this

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